Spanx. Not For Sissies.

After crossing the burning sands, your body does not exactly have that one hundred percent youthful elasticity it used to. Expected. Just not appreciated. Keeping that ass off of the ground the boobs in the air the waist cinched just so is a pain in that ass.

Back in the day, my Mom would deal with this issue by wearing a 'girdle'. Positively hideous in appearance, it was a flesh colored (actually no one had flesh that color) piece of body armor with hooks, snaps and elastic hanging parts. The ugliest dominatrix outfit I ever saw.  I understood why she was always in a very bad mood before going out.

Hello Spanx.

The kicky display with the sassy signage. Spanx promised to tighten my full figure curves without cutting off my circulation. A girdle for the new age. So pretty in design that you could wear it out. Smooth to the touch, it felt like sex and whispered to me like a pimp, "I'll be so good to you baby".  Sure, the price equates to that of a budget for a small nation but that made me hustle even harder. I needed to make my pimp happy. 

What they forgot to mention, on the fancy tag, on the fancy signage, on the Oprah Winfrey show, is that they are a bitch to get on. I don't know about off for I am still wearing the first pair I ever bought. Here's what I learned:

One, you need at least an hour before 'Go' time for the Spanx ONLY. Forget the hair, makeup and nails; you will need the entire 60 minutes to squeeze your pliable flesh into this unforgiving scientifically enhanced armor. Yay modern age. 

Second, while body oil and lotion is good, there is nothing like the application of good ole Vaseline all over the body to help slip the sucker on. It makes the difference between putting the Spanx on upright as opposed to laying down on the floor breathing hard and curse-crying while you 'pull' pause 'pull' pause...like an oarsman in an old biblical movie. 

Third, there is a 'vajajay slit'. Yep and thank the Lord. A slit which allows you to pee without having to remove or pull down the Spanx cause let's be honest, you ain't getting them off no time soon. If ever. You might want to wear a thong for though it might be considered daringly sexy to have your vayjajay hanging out in reality it's just awkward.  

Now once on, the Spanx is second skin. I swear it - you won't even feel it. That memory of you laying on the floor crying? Pfffttt. It gives you the body of your waking and sleeping dreams. It makes you the envy of every man and woman for miles around. That dress, those pants slip easily over and on. No jingling baby just well placed well paced 'thrust'. 

I no longer dread the whole 'whatamIgoingtowear' phase. I can wear it all. As long as there's Vaseline. 

xoxo,

Fabulously Fourty(ish)

beingfourtyish.blogspot.com