Have you ever had a friend that has just severs ties with you and you don’t know why? Well, I have. I had a friend for nearly 20 years. I considered our relationship to be exceedingly valuable. It was a friendship filled with fun, laughter and travel. Even so, we had significant differences. I love to talk; my friend was more of a listener. I love to do and take action, my friend would rather leave things alone. I bought things that I loved, my friend bought things based on economical value. I am a communicator, she left things unsaid. I cleared thing up, she kept things inside and felt malice. and got on with the business of life. I was shocked at the end of our relationship, but how could I have expected anything different?
During our friendship, I never judged her. I accepted her and our differences. One day I called her and she did not return my call. It remained unreturned for weeks, that turned into months, that has now turned into years. The fact that she didn’t return my call or contact me still concerns me. During that time I sent her emails, and I continued to call her, worried that something was wrong. Never once did she pick up the phone and call me. That behavior is selfish and just plain wrong. It is called Manipulation.
Manipulation is a very sneaky and cowardly way of behaving. The manipulator appears to have the upper hand because the person they are trying to victimize has no idea what is going on. However, It is also unempowering to the manipulator. They are controlling a situation where they clearly do not have any power. Powerful people state what is going on with them clearly and precisely. When you do not feel strong, you feel the need to control or use manipulation in your relationships.
Little did I know that my friend had malice toward me, and was using her manipulation to control this one sided situation. An adult who has strong boundaries and a good sense of esteem allows a person to know that they are offensive or stepped over a boundary. A confident person will not have another person going around in confusion, not knowing what it is they have done. With regard to my friend, how was I ever to know what it was that I was supposed to have done to warrant being banished? I was never told.
For me, it is not only the loss of the relationship that was upsetting, sad and disappointing, It is also the not knowing what it was that I had done.
Today, almost eight years later, I still have no idea what I did. This kind of non communication manipulation destroys people, leaving them afraid to develop relationship and trust people. Today, I am not upset. I was disappointed for the loss of the relationship. However, I now know that these were my expectations not hers. So, I have given up my disillusionment.
Friends have disagreements. It is important to share what it is you want or don’t want. It is important that you tell someone when they have offended you, sharing in a way that will help clear things up. It will help you remain in a positive friendship. If the relationship should crash and burn, at least both parties are not left in the dark. They can agree to disagree and part amicably.
Take responsibility for your actions and for your upsets. People have feelings and even if you do not value the relationship, stop for a minute and know that it takes two to have a valuable relationship. Maybe your friend values this relationship even if you do not. Communication within a friendship, learning to accept your friends for all they are and all they are not, are the makings of great friendships.
